he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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