All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.