you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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