it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
