is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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