my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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