i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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