just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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