Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
