i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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