wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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