Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
