Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
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