You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
