Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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