My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
FUCK WHALES
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
