I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
