I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
