a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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