Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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