two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
