Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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