she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
