Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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