What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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