dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
