Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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