hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
