I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
