Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
