He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
