I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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