He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
