Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
