I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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