I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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