Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
