no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
