hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
