If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
