It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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