I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
