i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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