Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
