I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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