Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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