My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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