$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
