I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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