haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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