She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
