Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
