I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
