This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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