Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
