your thong is hanging out like whoa
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Randomize
