Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have fence marks all over my body
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
