He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
