I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
