Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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