i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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